Red Flag #3: You are the object of his affection.

Posted by Pink Wrangler

June 8, 2010

Does he love you like a motorcycle?

Let’s say you find yourself with a moment to spare and surprisingly, perhaps, you’re feeling a little horny. Being a very busy woman, you might consider doing what my friend, Lily, does. Click onto youporn.com, and get off. No muss. No fuss. You don’t even have to leave your desk.

This leads me to Red Flag #3: You’re his favorite thing, as in object of his affection, as in piece of private property.

It’s a bit of a leap, I know, going from masturbation to objectification but allow me to explain. Lily had been dating a super hot dude in his early forties . I saw some pictures. He was leaning casually against his motorcycle, his lithe body emphasized by tight head-to-toe leathers. A primal confidence in his eyes led me to believe that his “riding” skills were in no way limited to being on top of a bike. This Lily confirmed. “The sex is amazing.”

Months later, something changed. It started with his complaining about worsening allergies, even going so far as to suggest she was the cause. Lily stopped using all fragrances and still, his nose ran.

Then came the blow up.

As they had shared a vigorous life in bed and as Lily is by nature an honest and forthcoming woman, she happened to mention her Youporn “dalliance” by way of explaining why she hadn’t picked up the phone right away when he called.

“What were you doing?” he asked slightly bored.

“Oh,” said Lily cheerily. “I just had to finish something.”

“What?” he pressed.

“I had to finish masturbating,” she said casually. Lily could hear him suck in his breath and mistook it for mounting excitement, causing her to elaborate. “Once in a while, I’ll get on youporn. It’s fast,” she added almost apologetically.

He could barely speak–a tsunami of words crashed into his mouth at the same time. “You WHAT?” he sputtered at last. It was as though she had confessed sneaking into his garage to vomit all over his motorcycle. “I can’t believe this! I thought we shared everything? How could you have this, this, private thing and not tell met? I feel so betrayed.”

He went on in this vein for some time. Naturally Lily was very upset.

“What the hell is his problem?” I asked.

“I guess he couldn’t believe he wasn’t my only source of pleasure,” said Lily. “He said if I was going to watch porn then why didn’t I watch it with him. I mean, we’re not even at the half year mark and he’s already wanting to spice it up with porn?”

“First, he has no imagination,” I said annoyed for her. “Second, he should read Mating in Captivity. The author, Esther Perel, talks about how not everything needs to be revealed and that we should cultivate a secret garden.”

“That’s never going to happened,” Lily hissed. “He’s proud of the fact that the only book he’s read cover to cover is his M.O.M.–motorcycle operator’s manual.”

Lily and I went on to agree, any guy who treats your body, your actions, your desires and whims, as being under his control and jurisdiction is sending up a big red flag. In his head, Lily was no different than his motorcycle–a beloved object to be sure but an object all the same. Not only is it dreadful to be treated as someone’s private property, a man who demands a woman relinquish all her secrets robs the relationship of the most exciting ingredient for erotic sex: mystery. By demanding to know everything, he had squeezed all the magic out of the relationship, which was possibly why their sex life was fizzling.

Lily didn’t have to think long or hard to get over motorcycle dude. And what about Youporn? That got bookmarked for future reference.