Archive for June, 2009
Vibrator Buzz
Don't be fooled by the name. If it vibrates, it's a vibrator.
I still remember my first time. It was in a Brookstone gadget store at the Detroit airport. I was waiting for a connecting flight home, finishing up a long and dull business trip. As I browsed through talking alarm clocks that had more to say than me, and pens that doubled as coffee makers, something shiny caught my eye. It was white block lettering on a black box that beckoned with the words, “Pinpoint Mini Massager.” I could really use that thing, I thought to myself as I massaged my achy neck. I picked it up and gave a try. At $20 it was worth a try. As I handed my credit card to the store clerk, I asked, “Do these things really work?” “Women customers love them,” he said snickering.
I gave him an odd look. I honestly didn’t know what he was alluding to. Of course, I now know that nobody ever uses a mini-massager for mini-massaging ever. I only figured that out years after the purchase when in a desperate moment, I reached for something, anything, on my nightstand to help a girl in need in the middle of the night. (Yeah, I know. I’m an idiot, in a class all my own)
Since then, the mini-massager remains the best and only vibrator I’ve ever owned. While I’ve been dutifully replacing AA’s on good ol’ B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend), millions of other Americans have advanced exponentially in vibrator sophistication. As reported in a recent New York Times article (June 28, 2009), the first academic, peer-reviewed studies of vibrator use have revealed that the vibrator is nearly as common an appliance in American households as the drip coffee maker or toaster oven.
Fifty-three percent of women and nearly half of all men report having used a vibrator, according to two new national surveys from Indiana University published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine. (The surveys were conducted in April 2008 and paid for by Church & Dwight, which makes Trojan condoms and a line of vibrators.)
Here are some other interesting tidbits from the surveys:
- Eighty-one percent of women and 91 percent of men who’ve used one report having done so with a partner.
- The more religious a person, the less likely she was to use a vibrator, and the more educated, the more likely.
- Men and women who had used a vibrator in the last month scored higher on sexual pleasure scales than those who had never used one.
Even through bad economic times, vibrator sales are up 20 percent in the last year, say the Trojan people. In fact they’ve been busy inventing a new vibrator product each year. The researchers attribute the widespread use of vibrators to a sex toy industry gone mainstream (good bye Triple-X, hello baby boomers).
They’re also easier to find. Vibrators are now sold at Wal-Mart, 7-Eleven and CVS. And of course, let’s not forget Brookstone. Please note: it’s now called the “Buzz Pinpoint Mini Massager” because I guess some women just weren’t getting it.
(4 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
Loading ...Jack. In My Box.
Jack in The Box has now addressed the serious topic of menopause. And guess what? They’ve come up with a natural menopause treatment. All I can say is, thanks, Jack, for getting in my box and helping out. Check out Jack’s menopause solution on video here: The Jack Solution.
(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5) Loading ...Sexual Satisfaction: You Know You Want It
WANT TO MAKE ME COME? SUCK MY HEEL.
“I told that bastard,” my girlfriend said huffily, “I didn’t come! And he says, ‘Well, then, you better go,’ and starts laughing his stupid head off.”
“What an asshole,” I said.
“Yeah,” she said, “Especially since we were in my car.”
“And he’s your husband,” I added.
“Gawd, don’t remind me,” she said.
And thus concluded yet another of hundreds of similar conversations I’ve had with my girlfriends about, how to tell a guy you didn’t come and then help him help you. Because as it turns out, about a third of women don’t orgasm during intercourse.
Which makes me wonder, where do they orgasm? Or do they orgasm? Have we become a nation of female martyrs and thespians? Faking it and making it seem okay so long as someone is coming (I’ll just lay here in the dark and listen to you moan). It just won’t do, which is why I’ve taken it upon myself to provide counsel in the art of getting a guy to get it done.
Strategy #1: This involves putting the “request” in terms he understands. As in, “The wide receiver fumbled and there’s no way he’s going to make a touchdown.” Or, for the nature lovers, “The squirrel can’t find the acorn, yet again.” Or for the traveling types, “Did you know “Australia” just froze over?” And finally for the golfers, “Nice form, too bad you haven’t made a hole in one or can’t sink a long put yet.”
I think you follow my drift here. The reason this approach is so effective is that if the guy gets it, he’ll probably laugh. A laughing guy is a cooperative guy.
But let’s say he’s starts arguing with you about how unlikely a cold snap is Down Under. That’s when you need to advance to Strategy #2. Please follow these directions precisely:
Step one: Prop yourself up in bed, resting comfortably against some pillows. Adopt a dignified-aloof-bordering-on-sternly-distracted countenance. (I’m not sure what that is but a close guess is good enough.)
Step two: Sigh loudly—loud enough to rouse rudely he-who-is-already-advancing-into-REM-sleep.
Step three: In that special tone you’ve reserved for just these words, speak the following: “We need to talk.” If you are wearing reading glasses, they should come off at just this moment and you should chew pensively on one arm of the frame as though considering what to ask for in the divorce documents.
Step four: Listen carefully for the silent scream exploding in his head.
A guy will do virtually anything—and I do mean, anything—to avoid having to “talk.” I think you see where I’m going here.
Now let’s say you’re sleeping with a real dud and you need to advance to extreme measures. Strategy #3 is for you.
Nudge him gently on his shoulder as he lay all comfy beside you and ask him in your sweetest voice to kindly please get your vibrator from your bra drawer—along with the feather-tipped whip, the lube, the rose massage oil, and the hairspray (or whatever). Remember, unlike you, he just came and is in a highly zombie-like, easy-to-manipulate state.
It won’t be lickety-split but in time, he should be depositing a pile of stuff on the bed beside you and then rearranging his pillows to go back to sleep. Start the vibrator up and if you’re so inclined, pop in one of his porn DVD’s (never met a guy who didn’t have at least a hundred stashed somewhere).
Now if he doesn’t get turned on watching you get yourself turned on (or at the very least offer to help), then he really is a dud and you should trade him in pronto. Or failing that, try a girlfriend. They always know what to do.
(3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5) Loading ...Best Orgasm Tips
LET HIM KNOW YOUR LIPS AREN'T JUST FOR SUCKING.
Who knew the cure for some really big problems is right under our nose and between our legs. Yup, according a recent post by Penelope Trunk, people who have orgasms earn more, hang out with higher powered people, are better at public speaking, and walk with a more confident gait.
Of course, there’s always a hitch. Or in this case, a gap—the “orgasm gap.”
Reports Hannah Seligson in the Daily Beast: “Women are shattering political glass ceilings, surpassing men in the workforce, and even winning Indy-car races. But there’s one area where the gender gap has proved particularly stubborn: The orgasm gap.”
Paula England, a professor of sociology at Stanford University, says the orgasm gap is as serious as the pay gap and “it’s producing a rampant culture of sexual asymmetry.”
Wow. “Sexual asymmetry!” That sounds so serious. How did we end up here?
One theory has to do with the oral sex inequity. Ladies, stop giving guys so many blowjobs and getting nothing enough back.I’m serious!
Another issue: men are still twice as likely to climax as women. In hookup situations men are twice as likely to orgasm than women (wild guess here, but could this be connected to the blowjob inequity?). In the context of relationships, women orgasm about 80% as often as men. Other research shows a third of women never had an orgasm during intercourse.
Sadly, we’re all too familiar with the source of the problem. Just like with housework, men don’t pull their weight on the orgasm front because no one makes them.
So here’s my final advice on the matter:
1. Pass on the booty blowjob. As one man explained it, a guy “doesn’t really give a shit” about you with a causal hookup. So why do him any favors?
2. If you want to orgasm, take it seriously and assert yourself. Forget the women-as-passive-receiver stuff and get in there, take responsibility, and make it happen.
3. The clitoris and the penis have the same tissue. This is always a good opening line in explaining to a guy how it all works.
4. Try products that stimulate nerve endings, such a G Clitoral Stimulating Gel (my favorite).
5. Try a little nagging. Hey, if it didn’t work, we would have stopped doing it a long time ago, right?
6. If all else fails, find yourself a new guy. And make sure he’s rich. The London Times reports that the men who are best at giving women orgasms are also the richest men. (And you thought it was just about diamonds.)
(2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5) Loading ...
