Archive for September, 2008
Ladies! Learn to Love Your Midlife Crisis
I was catching up with an old friend, Janie, who lives in Toronto. Somehow we’d managed to survive high school together and stay in touch through the years, the marriages, the careers, and the changing times. For me, our calls were like annual head exams – Janie was a psychiatrist. For Janie, it was probably the vicarious thrill of freedom, a much needed break from a job spent listening.
- NOTHING IS MORE FREEING THAN A MIDLIFE CRISIS
“You put on any weight?” Janie asked hopefully. “Because I have,” she added quickly. “I got the meno-belly. And it’s a beaut.”
“Don’t even go there, Janie,” I said laughing. “We’re not supposed to be worried about that stuff anymore. It’s what’s inside that counts.”
“What a bunch of prosaic crap,” she said. And then changing the topic, “You seeing anyone?”
“In a manner of speaking,” I answered.
“What’s with the evasiveness?” she said impatiently. “Just answer the question.”
I sucked in a big breath, worried about Janie’s reaction.
“I did the younger guy thing.”
“Well that was really stupid,” Janie said. “How much younger are we talking?”
“Couple decades, maybe,” I mumbled, clearing my throat.
Janie snickered. “You realize what’s happening here, don’t you?” Her voice was stern, with the kind of tone you might use if you caught your kid peeing in public.
“Geesh, is this how you talk to your patients?” I asked. “Harsh. Very harsh.”
“Of course not,” Janie snapped. “You’re a friend. I get to cut to the chase. And in my professional, highly trained opinion, you are having a midlife crisis.”
It took me a second to absorb her words. “Janie,” I finally said, “You are nuts, which is why you’re a great shrink, I suppose. The female midlife crisis is pure myth, an urban legend.”
“Oh, really,” she said haughtily. “Wasn’t it you who called me up a year ago asking what I thought about the Turbo Porsche? You, who went on about the 0 to 60 time and all that nonsense?”
“What does that prove?” I asked defensively.
“It proves you’re no different from my ex-husband, that devil disguised as a boring bastard,” she hissed.
Janie was on a roll. “Psychologically, the mid-life crisis is that moment when you realize someone else has been living your life. She looks like you, talks like you, even farts like you. But she isn’t you and you don’t even like her.” I heard her take a swig of a beverage and gulp hard. “It takes about 45 years to see it,” she said swallowing. “But when you do, look out.”
I was speechless. Something was ringing true and I didn’t like it one bit. I tried to speak but only spittle came out.
“I had a client who hit fifty,” Janie continued. “Left her husband of 23 years and jumped off a bridge.”
I gasped in shock. “Oh no!”
“Yup,” Janie went on. “One morning she got up, poured her self a stiff coffee, and realized if she couldn’t throw her husband off a bridge, she’d have to throw herself off. She took up bungee jumping and has never looked back.”
I suddenly felt my knees buckling under the weight of the truth. “Janie,” I said worriedly. “What should I do?” Maybe I had already lost my mind and didn’t even know it?
“Damned if I know,” said Janie. “But I was wondering if you wanted to go hang-gliding in Belize? Just let go and float above it all.”
I smiled big and wide. “I’m in,” I said laughing. “Then after Belize, let’s go to India. I’ve always wanted to learn how to charm a snake.”
Janie laughed excitedly. “Yes! Yes! And since we’re already in India, we may as well go to Japan for a live taping of Iron Chef!”
“Maybe hit Oktoberfest on the way home, too?” I added excitedly.
“Or how ‘bout riding the Pampas in Argentina with some cute gaucho?” threw in Janie.
“Oh,” I enthused, “The possibilities for a fun midlife crisis are endless!” And as I hung up the phone, I realized this could be the most freeing time of my life. Especially with a crazy friend by your side.
Have you had a midlife crisis? What was it like for you? What advice would you give to others going through one?
(3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
Loading ...Going Into Menopause at Age 38: My Story
The following is a transcript of an interview empowher.com did of me
recently. They were interested in hearing about my experience going into menopause early, at age 38. I still don’t understand why that happened but it launched me into the world of menopause and hormones as I tried to sort out what to do.
I was actually 38 when I went into menopause, and I had no idea why I had gone into menopause. It was probably related to stress, or maybe it was just something about my biology. A lot of women go in their menopause prematurely, but nobody has really quite figured it out. It’s all a big mystery.
Well, I had this sense that I would never go on hormones when I went into menopause, and I was dead-set against it. I had figured that menopause was a natural life passage, and I was offended at the mere idea that it would be medicalized, that I would somehow need drugs to manage what was a natural process.
And then I would later, after educating myself about the science of hormones, recant on that and realized it was kind of like saying a woman should forego an epidural while giving birth.
(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5) Loading ...How Far Will You Go For Sex?
I have a friend, Anne, who recently shared her surefire method for “getting it on.” Anne says it’s pretty straightforward, but she’s a scientist and thinks toying with ideas in human genetics makes for a relaxing hobby.
Here’s what you need:
1. One camping site, preferably near a river, with comfy tent all ready to go.
2. Fixings for at least six “White Russians” (equal parts Vodka, Kahlua, and cream). “And don’t skimp on the cream!” says Anne. “This is not the time to be worried about the diet.”
3. A facility for dirty talk when drunk on said White Russians.
4. Agreement that breakfast is all-liquid (and we’re not talking coffee).
5. An unsuspecting male. “Go ahead,” says Anne, “Give him a heart attack he’ll never forget.”
JUST ANOTHER CAMPING TRIP...OR IS IT?
The elaborate set up has never failed her, she says. It certainly has never failed to shock her husband. Months later, Anne reports, he’s still blushing about some of the things that came out of her mouth after a few cocktails.
Outside of such “romantic interludes,” she’s really not all that interested in sex. Her cat strikes her as more compelling company.
Isn’t sex drive strange? It makes me wonder what lengths people go to to get in the mood, the kinds of desperate measures people conjure up to get a little bit of satisfaction.
Turns out I’m not alone. Guess what? Big companies are trying to crack the mystery of a woman’s sex drive. Yup, there’s money in them ther’ vaginas.
According to a recent Bloomerberg article, (http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=2…) Procter & Gamble, the world’s largest consumer-products company, just licensed a testosterone patch to boost sex drive in women from a company called Noven. But, it could be a while before the patch hits the market since it isn’t yet approved in the U.S.
Another company, BioSante Pharmaceutical, also has a sex booster en route. It’s a testosterone gel, called LibGel, slated for study in more than 3,500 women.
Once they have a bona fide treatment, you know what comes next? Why creating the disease, of course. Men got hit with ED, or Erectile Dysfunction, when they discovered Viagra. What are they going to call diminished sex drive in women, Exhausted Vagina Disorder (EVD)? I can hardly wait.
In the meantime, there’s a lot to think about. Rig a camping trip or consider taking the hormone, testosterone? Tough call, especially when some women are still confused about the safety of taking estrogen, the so called female hormone.
In the interest of full disclosure, I take both estrogen and testosterone. And yes, on occasion the latter has definitely helped in the sex department. But the truth is you could pump me full of testosterone and it wouldn’t do a damn thing if I didn’t like the guy. And therein lay the difference between most men and most women that no amount of hormone could change. We’ve only got one brain: it’s the big one and it always works.
(3 votes, average: 4.33 out of 5) Loading ...Are you afraid to age?
No need to be says ABC news in a recent article, “Forget 20, forget 30. 40 is hot!”
Contrary to popular opinion, women don’t hit an expiration date at 40. Just look at what’s happening for supermodels, Linda Evangelista, Christy Turlington and Claudia Schiffer. Witness, too, the continued rise of actresses, Brooke Shields, Mary-Louise Parker and Debra Messing. And what about Christie Brinkley, who, at 51, renewed her association with Cover Girl and is now the face for its Advanced Radiance cosmetics for older women.
The faces of these icons of beauty may be “Botoxed” in time but their careers sure aren’t. Why, according Albert Lee, a senior editor at US Weekly, and obviously an expert on older women, “Women aren’t as afraid to grow older.”
Of course they’re not afraid to grow old. They’re not actually doing it. The opinion of Mr. Lee notwithstanding, trends in models and actresses are not barometers of important sociological phenomena. They just tell you where advertisers are banking these days: on the older woman with cash.
I guess they’re finally getting that we command a trillion dollars in spending power, and by the year 2010 will control 60% of the country’s wealth. Not sure what took them so long to figure it out, but now that they have, the inevitable is happening.
In our twenties, we were supposed to aspire to anorexia. Now in our forties, it’s wrinklorexia. If you’re not wrinkle-free, age-free, and fat-free by the time you hit your fifties, look out. You’re heading for the expiration list.
Thankfully there are products for your every aging anxiety, which may turn out to be worse than body image anxiety. Prada and Chanel know this and are marketing directly to you. And why not? What 20-year old could by a $5,000 product?
I can’t be alone when I say, I’m too old to be told by media and advertisers how I should look, dress, and feel as I age. These are my really fun and free years — my do whatever I please years. How many 40+ gals want to join me in making this the time in our lives where we commit to setting beauty standards on our terms, in our way? How about this as our motto: Ain’t Nothing Hotter Than Me As Me. Or something like that…
(2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5) Loading ...
